So hi xanga once again I find myself back at your cyber
front door. Or should I say window because that is our real relationship. You
are a median in which I gaze through to see. The one remarkable thing about you
is that unlike facebook you don’t let me see the present but the past. So once
again I am just sitting here looking through the blogs of my past. I realize
I’m not the same person I once was. At one time I had bold dreams for the
future, the little things in life gave me pleasure. I was happy just playing
video games, and just watching a movie, or playing sports, and it saddens me to
say that honestly I have not felt that way in years. I am not sure why I come
back to xanga time and time again. It could be nostalgia but I think deep down
I’m looking for an answer. Contentment. One simple word with a simple meaning
and yet it eludes me. I wonder if it is even possible at all? Or maybe just a
mirage something human nature strives for its entire being but never obtains. I
can understand why contentment can be harmful, humans wouldn’t strive to be the
best they can be if they were content. No one would spend hours, days, years,
and even their whole lifetime trying to find a cure for a disease if they were
content. I know this, I know we need a reason to strive to be better and have
more. Mankind needs a force to drive us, but at the same time I just want to be
able to look at the world and my existents and be happy. Since the age of
eighteen my worldview has changed. I know not whether this is good or bad, but it’s
hard to deal with. When I was young the world was a happy place I honestly
thought of myself as unique. I knew deep down that the world didn’t revolve
around me, but from my eyes it did. I never thought that statistically I was
one of seven billion humans that in habited one planet, around one star, in one
solar system, in one galaxy. In the broad picture I am less than I speck in
comparison to the universe. Not only that though as a mortal being my body will
live by statistics to 76 years old. After this time I will be buried probably
have a small funeral and within sixty years my entire existents will have made
little to no impact on the world. I probably will not go down into history. I
will not ever be studied or taught about, the fact is that if my life is like
most peoples not a single person will remember me sixty years after my death.
My great grandchildren, if I have any, might have heard my name and that is
all. If my existents is this insignificant why would I be important to an all
powerful being. In this aspect I am like Martin Luther utterly and entirely
petrified by the idea of Gods wrath. I am nothing and yet still I am defiant
towards him day in and day out. Why would he spare me after openly being
insubordinate let alone have love towards me? Therefore I do not matter. At
least that’s what I have come up with, and I cannot find a scenario where
that’s not the case. So what am I to do?

OH LIFE

I miss the xanga life! I miss old Faith Bible with no stupid politics or judging people for not believing exactly what they believe. i miss when things were easy and simple and awesome lol. you didn't have to worry about woman or making a friend mad or some d bag that lies behind your back even though he is only trying to cover up something cause he does drugs. It used to be really fun to hang out with your friends now its just work and drama and stress. I hate that everyone does things that don't matter and make big deals about absolutely nothing at all. I miss the days when I worried the girl I liked found out whether or not I liked her, not whether or not I want to be their life time partner. People now seem fake self centered and self absorbed. I feel now I hardly know anyone that is truly good anymore. It all seems to be a cover. Even my safety net from back home is now nothing but a gaping hole. When people used to be excited in church and for the lord they now they are wondering when can they can they get drunk or high without people knowing. Than to cover it up they say I'm the" flaky one"?? i don't even know how telling someones girl friend they didn't smoke weed when I'm pretty sure they did makes you flaky? People need to man up to their own self centered mistakes instead of lying and deceiving.  I just dont get how everything that seems to matter to people really doesn't matter to them at all, what really matters is if their happy and they don't care about anyone else and if they do its because it might mess up their own petty lives. Or it might make things more difficult at home. I want things to go back to xanga times. When life was simple i miss my old friends. but I'm to afraid to find them because it will only be another let down. It seems everyone i once knew has changed for the worst and just makes me sad. I figured no one would ever read this anyways lol so i dont care if i ranted. i didnt hold anything back and i really dont care if they get mad lol.

i think i have my schedule for next year done it might be to hard but

trig

computer app 1

ap european history(history is my favorite)

accelerated chemistry

accelerated physics

english
im not that smart im just going to take some hard classes maybe im crazy but

im pretty excited